2018 was a year of tragedy for the extended/family. It’s quite paradoxical that though our death is destined from the very moment of our birth, it is something we fear most, especially of our loved ones, no matter the age, ailments or suffering they may be going through. When I heard of the demise of a young lady in the family, I was shaken for reasons beyond the loss that had befallen upon us. There were many times when she called to speak with me and I was unable to talk, sometimes even forgetting to return her call when I was free. And the eeriest thing was that I had a premonition of her going a few days before she did. I have been trying to rationally disconnect the two events - of my premonition and her actual passing - but, I, for some strange reason, blame myself for the unfortunate end to the life of a lively young lady; I find myself staring often into space wondering, “had I thought good thoughts, would she have been alive today”? Despite the rational mind reminding me that correlation does not always lead to causation, I am in knots.
The family came together at end of the year to celebrate the joyous occasion of the wedding of my niece. It was a simple, yet tastefully arranged event, with ceremonies chosen keeping in mind the Vedic sanctity of the occasion as well as the feminist approach by doing away with those ceremonies that portrayed a strong imprint of patriarchy. The wedding featured, on center stage, the marriage of two equals, bound by love and respect for each other and the beliefs they carried. Even as I was coming to terms with the uncertainty of life that I had just faced, about a week after the wedding, I saw a message waiting for me. It was from a school senior whose sister, Chitra, was my closest friend in my school years.
Chitra and I were almost inseparable, yet we were the strongest contenders in gathering academic accolades.
Chitra’s brother, and mine, were classmates and buddies, too. After my father was transferred out of Bangalore, Chitra and I lost touch and I was reconnected with her brother only when my own reconnected with him through social media. That was about two years ago, when I also collected her address to reconnect with her. And, even as I got busier with new professional assignments, I kept putting off sending out that mail to Chitra. I did have it on my to-do list but it remained unchecked from one list to the next. On the 15th of December last year, as I was catching up with messages that I hadn’t had the time to read due the wedding festivities and duties, I found one from Chitra’s brother and was happy to see it in my ‘inbox’ - its always nice to hear from old friends who bring along pleasant memories from the past. As I read his message, that euphoria quickly transformed into a lump in my throat - Chitra had passed away due to a sudden cardiac arrest. I read and re-read the message just to make sure I had read right. I ran to the bathroom and stood under the shower as the cold water from the shower-head merged with the tears that flowed down my cheeks. There was so much I wanted to hear and know from her, so much I wanted to tell her…so many memories to reminisce and laugh about. But now that shall have to wait until we meet in heaven…
Raga Bilaskhani Todi, ‘Itni araj suno mori…’
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