Over the last three months I have spent more time with myself. Busy adding the finishing touches to what might be my first fiction novel, reading and rewriting some portions before it reaches my editor’s desk, I’ve kept away from other forms of social networking. I spent some time in creating my list of ‘favourites’ in my phonebook and I have never used the DND feature on my phone to this extent before. I share any thoughts that may lead to an interesting conversation with a handful of friends, I avoid people whose company is not stimulating enough and I have stopped doing things to merely please people. The worm within me has managed to weave a lovely cocoon and this period has sure been revealing!
Solitude is not to be confused with loneliness - there’s a fine line separating the two.
I have become my best companion and I am the only one responsible for my state of mind and being. I have understood that holding someone else responsible for this would be putting that person in a place of privilege and power and myself in a subservient position. I do not depend outside of myself for fun and enjoyment. I read, listen to music, write, work, bake, get innovative in the kitchen, test my green fingers and spend some time on fitness - all this alone. It has been like an emotional and mental catharsis and I am loving it!
The conversations in my head retrieve all my readings and learnings from memory and I reaffirm my belief in some of them. It’s been a lovely time to reflect on lessons from life, evaluating myself as a human-being, understanding my compassion for animals, the need to love myself, be my own critic, do some math. into the wee hours of the morning, accepting ownership over my mistakes as being a part of me and lingering, endlessly, on the ‘shadj’ against the drone of my taanpura.
The dichotomy is clearer now - what matters, matters, and what doesn’t, doesn’t; these are absolutely individual choices and there is no barometer by which these can be measured as being right or wrong. Everything remains a matter of perception! And in the process, you stop looking for acceptance and approvals from outside yourself - ‘likes’ to a picture of mine would not make me feel I am more beautiful!
My experience of life has been like my experience of love - simple, yet powerful. It has been uplifting and has also brought me down on my knees. And somewhere in the midst of experiencing the two, I have found myself.
After all, soul is an anagram of solitude.
I just had to share this one: main or meri tanhayi..!
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