Sihi Diaries

When I left for the vet with Sihi yesterday morning, I held the little bundle that she is in my arms. As I looked down at her, sleeping peacefully, and more importantly, securely, I had tears running down my cheeks. I fell silent, not engaging with my companion, and the voices in my head and heart were in an argument whether I should raise her or give her up for adoption. I view this whole experience philosophically, about Sihi's fate and mine being entwined in some fashion, for us to have crossed paths, literally!

After having been owned by two Labradors and three of an Indian breed, I have begun to believe that if a human hasn't experienced loving a dog, hasn't been privileged enough to have received the unconditional love from one and hasn't been sensitive enough to comprehend and empathise with the grief and the bereavement of an owner at the loss of a pet, then that person lacks the fundamental quality called empathy.

When I picked up the baby and brought her home, I did so on an impulse driven by a natural instinct to protect life. Making enquiries I learnt that a mentally retarded child of a labourer in the vicinity picked her up from the neighbourhood and was swinging her around before dropping her to the ground. The labourers around believed her to be dead. I also learnt that her mother( Sihi's) had died and the rest of her siblings were adopted. 

As pieces of information kept coming in, I began to be ridden with questions: Should I have just picked her up and secured her to safety rather than bring her home? How did her mother die? Why wasn't she adopted by anyone? And why did she come before my car?

And when the doctor confirmed that she was half Rottweiler, I began a mental census of the Rottweilers in the neighbourhood! (A friend even joked with the suggestion of a DNA test and a paternity suit!) I recollected a neighbour reporting a missing girl-dog (I know, but I refuse to use the word that has been turned into a derogatory term by us, humans) and thought aloud to a friend if "she might have let her guard down then", much to his amusement, (it has become a joke among friends now!) and the inner Sherlock in me tried doing some math. to figure out if she could be the mother.
 
Sihi has been given her first dose of deworming and has some worm infestation passed on by her mom. She will receive her first vaccination on the coming Sunday. As I spend more time with her, as she hears me asking her to wait while I get her feed ready, as she looks me in the eye, I find myself getting more attached to her. But when the reality of my situation pinches me, I come back to my senses and remind myself that I won't be able to keep her for long... 

From being unsteady on her feet 5 days ago to becoming a sprightly baby, toppling her carton box to run to me, she has not messed her bed and whines when she wants to relieve herself. I spend unearthly hours in the night feeding her and then playing with her until she pees-poops and then falls asleep for a couple of hours after which the cycle is repeated. I am so sleep deprived!
                   


As she grows stronger, I find myself getting weaker with my feelings for her. As she plays more, I question myself more on whether I would be doing the right thing in giving her away. I now find myself getting all philosophical and logical on the one hand, and emotional and irrational on the other. While she sleeps in comfort and security of some good care, love and nutrition, I battle many questions. Whatever decision I take regarding her, I hope that I do not regret it and put myself through harsh personal judgements.

Spooky is less frightened of her now...and she loves chasing him!