The Sihi Quandary

['sihi', sweet in Kannada]

How does one give away a part of their heart? 

As the countdown to sending Sihi to her forever home begins, my heart aches. I try to rationalise - my schedule and current status can't support a puppy that requires more time in training and nurturing; and then my heart plays spoilsport and contradicts the reasoning of the mind - we can work things out. 

Its not the first time that someone has walked in and out of my life. Life is, after all, a journey and this happens in every journey. Some of my co-passengers in this journey have taught me about love, some about passion, some about being generous, some about enjoying math., some about hate, some about the love for reading, some about the right to question, some about the satisfaction in bringing joy, some about respecting with reverence and some about loving unconditionally...

I believe that being open to meeting with all these people and allowing some of them to have an influence on me, enough to impact my being, state of mind and personality, is where the journey takes meaning from. Some people continue to be relevant as a part of my life and some slip into the dark alleys of irrelevance. There are others who stay as a memory, warming the cockles of my heart.

The one thing I have learned, by trial and error, is to accept the feelings of the heart, well, wholeheartedly! The more I fight the feelings, the more I confront their relevance, the more I fail myself. As a result, I have loved with every pore in my being, I have felt the passion in me reflect as a glow in my face, and I have also battled the heartache that it brings with it. I have erred, but isn't it human to? 

Indian philosophy is deep rooted in its ability to provide one with the strength of mind to cope with life's offerings. When I was losing Casper, I read The Gita. I found the answers to many of my questions, but not all. It helped me cope with my impending loss while, at the same time, it helped me enjoy every minute I was blessed to have him.  I need to dig more, I must surrender more to its treasure of knowledge, I must accept my short-comings in facing life. 

When I think of Sihi, I am ridden with questions : Why did she come before my car? Why did I bring her home? Why do I have to give her away? Why....?

And the concepts of Karma, Fate, Destiny enact the play of providing the answers.
I think of Karma and try to put the burden of the answers on that and for a minute I believe that whatever happens, happens for good. And then I wonder what 'good' is. The conversation with my life will continue. I will understand some, some I will not. I shall accept some, some I shall reject.

Suddenly, I become weak and I cry and I weigh my happiness in keeping Sihi against a young girl's joy in belonging to her.

My journey with Sihi is only thus far. And it has been sweet, really sweet!